life makes love look hard.

Chasing Pavements

I want to move to Calgary, Alberta, Canada really soon just to get away. I want to be away from everything that reminds me of you. But in all honesty, moving to Canada will make things worst because that is where you always said you wanted to be in the future. I guess subconsciously that is why I want to go there to possibly find someone like you, or even better yet you. But the truth is I will never find someone like you because that doesn’t exist. I just want to get away and forget about everything we’ve been through, but it just seems so impossible. I see your face in everything I do. I think about you all the time. I miss you. I know it will be wrong to escape, but I want to. You’re a part of me and will always be a part of me no matter what. I hoping that Canada’s beauty will free me from you..but will it just remind me of you?….

“Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements…even if it leads no where…?”

#Adele<3

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables.

So it’s currently almost 4 in the morning. You’re the only thing on my mind. I can’t help but wonder how many times I’ve been here in this position; Up late at night, not being able to sleep because of you not being here. I gave you everything. I loved you with all my heart and you knew that. Instead you decided to leave that day; you left me on my knees, holding my heart out to you. I don’t know why I still want you because what you did was unforgiveable; but instead, I still feel that connection and strong bond with you. I still feel like you were set apart for me; that someway, somehow, we were meant to be together. Believe me, it’s the worst thing in the entire world. I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I have no friends anymore because of you. I am alone in this world; and you’ve taken everything from me. But today, I am done with all this. I am here today to free myself from everything we’ve ever gone through. I’m sick of sitting here checking my phone constantly expecting that text that says you want me back. I’m done. I’ve gone through too much and I don’t deserve this. All this for loving you and caring about you. No. It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables. I’m done putting my life on hold for you. I’m done telling myself that things are gonna change and that I’m going to get you back and that maybe someday, somehow we will be together because honestly, you don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve my love and I don’t deserve the pain you have causes me during the past 6 years. I want you to know that I will always love you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling this way, I just want to be happy. 

“Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior. It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables…”

-Adele 

tumblrbot asked: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

Music definitely makes things better. Being around/talking to certain people as well. 

Dear Andrew;

It has been 6 long years since you’ve been in my life and I have never been the same ever since. You have made such an impact and change in my life. Every day with you is an emotional roller coaster for me with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Ever since the day we became friends back in 8th grade, I knew that there was something special about you; you were so different than everyone else and that’s what I loved about you. You changed my life in more ways than you will ever know. Just recently I told you that I had feelings for you, very strong feelings for you since 8th grade and I have just been able to accept them after all this time. I know it might have come as a shock to you, but it really was a shock for me as well. I never really did understand why you were so different than everyone else, but now I do. I just want to thank you for all that I’ve learned from you and all that you’ve taught me. You have taught me one of the most important lessons of life that I wish I knew before. You taught me that love knows no bounds. Love conquers through all barriers such as gender and sexuality. Gender and sexuality are merely a state of mind and are obsolete. Basically, they don’t matter at all. You can love anyone no matter what, you fall in love with the person, not what gender they are. You love them for who they are, just as I love you for who you are. I now am able to accept anyone for who they are, and you taught me that. I love you so much and you will never know or understand how special you are to me. I promise you that I will always be here for you no matter what. Even though I’m probably your second choice nowadays, you’re always gonna be my number one choice no matter what. The only thing I regret is not telling you how I really felt about you earlier because maybe things would have been different…I don’t know, it’s too late for that, huh? Well, I could sit here and write so many things about you but I can’t cause it hurts me. You’re just too special and I’m going to miss you when you go back to school. I’m never going to be the same anymore… I don’t even know what it’s going to take to get over you or if I’m even going to get over you after all this time. I really wish things were different. I love you, and that’s all I know. Thank you for coming into my life and changing it. I hope you’ll stay. Love you always, bestfriend.  

6 years; things I’ve learned & experienced.

During the past 6 years of my life, I met someone that changed my entire outlook on life and I feel like I need to share it to the world, which is why I have found myself on place like tumblr, sharing my life during the past 6 years. At the start of the 6 years, life was just so simple and nothing seemed to phase me, I took the world for what it was and I didn’t let anything stop me. Nothing could bring me down and life wasn’t complicated. However, it was about in 8th grade when all of this changed. You see, I met someone that little did I know, would change my life forever. During my 8th grade year, I was the typical preppy and popular kid, the one who everyone knew and loved. I will never forget the day when I met someone that changed my life, Andrew. He and I were complete opposites; he was the type of person who kept to himself and didn’t really associate with him. It all started when his mom threw him a birthday party and she forced him to invite me to it. When he handed me the invitation to his birthday party, he said that the only reason why I was invited was because his mother had forced him to invite me; this really upset me because he told me he didn’t like me, I decided to be rude about it and I ripped the invitation and threw it in the trash to prove a point. I mean, really? Who was he to say that to me…. This whole situation puzzled me and I was left thinking why someone could hate me even though I didn’t do anything to him..I was throughly confused.. Randomly a couple weeks later, I had to change my class schedule and I was put in almost all the same classes as him. I was forced to sit next to him in science class and that began our entire friendship. We began to talk so much to the point that I was going over on my phone minutes… My mom would ask me who I was talking to and why I’d be talking for so long on the phone. It just happened so naturally, we never ran out of stuff to talk about. It was always fresh, as soon as I got home, he would call me and we would talk for hours on end. I was happy and I think he was happy to. I felt something towards him that I’ve never felt towards anyone before. There was just something about him that was different than anyone I have ever met in my entire life. I could not figure him out because it was always ups and downs with him. I knew that he was special to me because we became bestfriends. He didn’t keep secrets from me and I didn’t keep secrets from him. As quickly and rapidly that our friendship began, it ended just as fast. It was on our 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. that our friendship ended. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter the details of this, the main point is that it ended on an angry note. I was very upset about something he did to me, and I stopped talking to him and hated him. I have just come to the realization about why he always made me upset, and on some occasions even cry. It now all makes total sense to me now that I look back on it. Anyway, back to the story, pretty soon after 8th grade, we both went our separate ways to different high schools, he went to an all boys Catholic school, while I went to a small Christian school. Nevertheless, we stopped talking and even though we weren’t talking I still thought about him everyday and was wondering how he was doing because in all honesty, I miss him and I still cared about him. I struggled my freshman year of high school because of this; I was a very bitter person and I didn’t get along with most people. I later found out that he was also miserable, but it wasn’t cause of me, stuff was going on in his life. I wanted to talk to him but I had no idea how to approach it…pretty soon the days went by and it was my junior year of high school. It was then that we started talking again and just as quick as our friendship ended, it rapidly began again and it was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. We became so close and he told me things that he had never told anyone else. He told me that he was confused about his sexuality and that he felt like he was meant to be a girl. This was his deepest, darkest secret that he had been keeping from everyone and he told me. I felt so special that was able to trust me. Honestly, I took it really well, but that was probably because it was coming from him. If it were someone else, I don’t know how I would have reacted. After this, our friendship grew stronger and stronger and we were the best of friends. We shared a bond that was greater than most people had. As the friendship reached its highest point, we began a different kinda of relationship… a sexual relationship is the only way to describe it. Nevertheless, he was my first kiss, and I was his first kiss as well. Though soon after this, the friendship took a turn and he talked talking to for whatever reason. I was hurt for the longest time. I didn’t know what was going on. This part however doesn’t matter. I want to focus on the things I learned from my story, rather than the outcome of the story. Andrew made a huge influence on my life and changed my perpective of life. Just recently, I realized that I had feelings for him; literally just days ago I decided to tell him that I had and still currently have very strong feelings for him. This was one of the hardest things for me because I’ve always identified myself as a straight guy and this was just really overwhelming for me. I am not attracted to any other guys, just Andrew. He was the only one and still is the only guy I have feelings for. This entire concept confused me because how can I be straight, yet still have feelings for a guy? I just don’t know anymore. I just recently admitted to myself that there has always been something special about Andrew…. The feelings I feel right now aren’t like any I’ve ever felt before. When I’m with him, I’m happier than I could ever imagine, when I’m not with him, he’s all I’m thinking about. I’ve never felt such a strong bond with any other person before. There has just always been something about him that intrigues me because I can’t figure him out. I don’t know a lot of things, but one thing I’m pretty sure about is that I’m in love with my same-sex male bestfriend and I’m ready to accept it. You see, the point of this post isn’t to tell you about my story, rather it’s to tell you about all the things that Andrew has taught me. Andrew taught me that gender plays absolutely no role in love at all. You see, the lesson I have learned is that you can fall in love with absolutely ANYONE regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or etc. (you get the point). Love knows no bounds. I could care less what Andrew, or anyone else is for that matter, all I know is that you can fall in love with someone just based on who they are. I love Andrew because of who he is and the things that he does, I could honestly care less if he were a boy or girl. Honestly, all I know is that I love him. The lesson at hand: You can fall in love with anyone, male, female, transgender, gay, lesbian, bisexual….literally anyone. It doesn’t matter what they are, it matters who they are and Andrew means the world to me. I would do anything for him and I love him more than he will ever know it. It’s not what’s on the outside that matters, it’s what is in the inside. I just wish he knew how he has changed my life for the better and how much I love him. One of the worst things a person can do is hold back feelings for so long, in my case, it has been 6 years since I first started having feelings for him, yet I just recently told him and now I think it’s too late. It hurts so much to not be able to be with the person you’re in love with or in my case, because he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I just wish I told him earlier but I was too afraid because of being the same sex and all. I want that to be different for someone else though. I want it to be different because I don’t want you to hold back your feelings for someone like I did. My only regret is that I didn’t tell him sooner because maybe things would be different. Now we go to schools in different states and it’s too late..at least I think it’s too late for anything to happen, but it’s never too late for anything; I want everyone reading this to know that I have learned in the past years to tell someone that you love them while you have the chance, don’t be afraid of what others would think like I was. I let me ego and fear of what people would think of me for liking someone of the same sex and I feared being called gay and in the end, my fear might have costed me the best thing that happened to me. It might have costed me my soul mate, it might have costed me my one true love. So please, just if you love someone tell them, don’t be afraid like I was. I love him and I always will and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same without him. He has changed me more than anyone could ever imagine. My life isn’t the same without him, he was my other half and now I feel like I’m missing a part of me. I won’t go on any longer with this. Just trust me when I say this, Love knows no bounds. You can fall in love with anyone. And when you do, don’t hesitate like I did. Don’t be afraid. Tell them how you feel, don’t be too late like I was. It costed me my soul mate and my one true love. don’t let it cost you yours.

Today was a fairytale…

I spent the day with the most amazing person on this planet. 
She doesn’t know this, but I love her with all my heart<3
When I looked at her, I just wanted to look in her eyes and tell her much she means to me and that I never want to let her go again…but I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t muster up the courage to look in those beautiful eyes, look at that beautiful face and tell her that I loved her.. It didn’t work though.. She leaves in 5 days, less than a week.
I don’t know what to do…

I know that I love her. I know there’s something about her that sets her apart from the others, but I don’t know how to tell her that.

I wish that could. I wish that she would want me the way that I want her.

I wish she thought I was as amazing as how amazing I think she is.

I would look at that face and tell her I loved her and that she’s the most incredible person in the world.

Now where do I go from here?

We did absolutely nothing, but drive around to random places today….
She made me laugh & smile more than any other day this whole summer..
That’s when you know you’re in love and it’s true<3

All I want you to know is that I love you & I’m always gonna care about you no matter the distance. no matter the place. no matter the time.

that’s true love my friends.  

9 days.

9 days until she leaves for college. 9 days…

9 days left to tell her everything..

So for the past few days, I’ve been texting her and she hasn’t texted me back yet…

I don’t know what this means…

I knew this was a bad idea to rush back into all this. I shouldn’t have let my guard down because I knew this would be happening again, I knew that I’d get hurt again. I knew that she would do this to me again.

Like my previous post quoted, “We always ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.” This is probably the most true quote I have ever read in my entire life.

A song comes into mind when I think of you:

The Scientist-Coldplay:

Honestly, all I really want you to know is that I love you, J.A.B. <3…

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let’s go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard I’m going back to the start….. <3

Relapse.

Recently a lot things have changed. So I started talking to a person who really hurt me about a year ago. I haven’t decided if it’s a good thing or bad thing yet. I mean just when I’m starting to “get over them” and move on, they come rushing back in my life. I mean perfect timing, right? I’ve been struggling to decide whether it’s the right thing to talk to this person again and let them back in my life. My life was actually starting to get better and I was becoming “normal” again. I feel like I don’t have a choice though. Even though this person really hurt be severely, there’s just something about this person that I love…
There’s just something that sets them apart from the others….you know that feeling, right? It’s like I want to never talk to them again, but I know that since I was in love with them, there’s just always something about them that I set apart from others. Feelings start to rush back, ideas of reconciling come back in my head. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been starting to think about whether I should tell this person that I love them again. I saw them the other day and we spent the day together. It was like they never hurt me, it was like we were back to normal again. I felt the feeling rush back through my veins, I felt ideas engulf my mind. You have no idea how much I want to tell her that I love her again. She meant the world to me, and to this day, she still means the world to me.
The one set back is that I don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t want to feel like I did last summer, I don’t want any of that.
I guess the one question that everyone in the same position as me must ask is that is the person that you love worth risking getting hurt for again? 
That’s a question I must ponder within the next few weeks….
Oh, and another thing, they leave for college in another state, August 25th.
So I guess I’m in a bad situation, right? 
The way I see it, I have two options:

1. Tell them how I really feel and risking the possibility of being rejected, but also have the chance of them feeling the same way, and if that happens, suffer the distance of being far apart and in love.

2. Don’t tell them how I feel, risk the possibility of them feeling the same way I do and me not saying anything to them before they leave and regret not telling them that I love them for the rest of my life and suffer by missing them a realizing that they are my soul mate.

So what to do you must ask?

I have no freaking clue, either way I lose. 
Either way I’m gonna be hurt.
I always end up getting screwed over no matter what.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen next….

…but I know for sure that I love her and that she’ll always be in my heart no matter what.

7.3.10. 

Forever & Always<3.